There is a lot of mystery and unecessary fear surrounding the process of ego death, and many people therefore don’t even know what is going on when it happens to them. They may experience very strong and inexplicable emotions and the life they know collapsing around them as everything seems to descend into despair. This article aims to give some pointers and practical guidelines as well as providing information on how and when craniosacral therapy can be beneficial as part of this process. It also gives an overview to encourage people and help them to orient themselves in the process and find their way through more easily.
What is Ego death?
There is no definitive answer, but the experiences that many people go through are similar. In new age speak its may be referred to as ascension, and undoubtedly ego death is a prerequisite for this shift in consciousness. Some branches of psychotherapy refer to it as a process of integrating the shadow, and suggest that it is also the entry point into adulthood. However not all people are destined to go through an ego death in their lifetime, and not all people have the ability to look into themselves that an ego death requires…
So where does this leave us? Well, there are some very common sense ways of looking at the whole issue to demystify it.
As children we learn that some emotions and behaviours are acceptable to our parents, and other’s aren’t. The stuff that is too much for us to feel or that isn’t allowed gets put in a separate compartment in the unconscious mind, to be forgotten and ignored till a later date. This means we end up rather like a donut, with a sticky centre that we don’t really know about and can’t access. The sticky centre is what psychotherapists call our “Shadow”.
The process of ego death is a bit like having a café latte in 2 layers, coffee on the bottom and milk on top, black and white, and gently stirring the two together till they become a homogenous light brown mixture. The outer layer of our peronsality that we have developed in childhood to please our parents and survive can’t stay separate from the true self or inner layer forever. Over time the tension seems to build as those other hidden energies make a bid to be included. Eventually some external event like betrayal by a partner, or death of a loved one, loss of a job or something else really significant, will challenge the person’s world view so drastically that they let go of control and their whole personality structure starts to disintegrate. It can seem a bit like falling into a hole between two worlds, or letting go of all that is known and familiar. Indeed, that seems to be what happens.
To be really clear, the ego does not actually die. People can’t survive without an ego. Rather the very rigid protective structures formed in early childhood dissolve and reconfigure as a new ego that is rather more in line with the “true” self. People often have the idea that they want to get away from or live without ego, but this is a new age myth created by lack of understanding of psychological process. Without ego, an individual would be totally overwhelmed by the contents of the unconsious mind, and would be classed as insane. Ego is the necessary filetring mechanism or gate keeper between the unconscious and conscious experience, letting the person decide how to respond to the emotions that they experience, rather than mistaking them for reality…
Emotional Process
When you have an experience that is so immense or painful or shocking that it can’t be grapsed by the thinking mind, it opens up a space for unconscious emotions to be accessed, and become conscious. It’s as if the contradictions that are experienced are too big to reconcile and something breaks or gives. The whole personality structure can start to collapse and it can feel as if internally it is raining bits and pieces. There can be intense confusion, sadness, anger and terror as the whole world seems to fall apart and all fixed reference points are lost for a while. Often at this point you lose your partner, job, home, money and various other external factors which contribute to the general sense of insecurity and loss.
However at the same time an energy begins to rise from the base of the spine, which flushes out all the old emotions and patterns as it rises. It also ignites creativity and when it becomes established, it can become a new point of reference in reality. This is a well documented process which you can read about in texts on psychotherapy or jungian analysis. Jungians follow the dreams to help bring the unconscious energies that arise into conscious awareness, and make the most of the opportunity to integrate these elements. This can help the therapist to monitor what is going on with the client – things can get very intense, and its good to have a guide or an anchor in reality to hold onto… Yogis also recognise this experiene but tend to refer to it as kundalini uprising. Different traditions have different ways of dealing with the same experience, and the overlap between these is considerable.
People tend to go through increasingly deep cycles of fear/terror, anger and sadness. In effect this is deep grief. One way of looking at it is that you are mourning the attention you never received from your parents as a child, and your own wasted potential. Another perspective is that you are grieving the loss or death of everything you have been – of your personality and the life that was familiar to you. When the shadow integrates and a new functioning ego has been established, you will literally be a different person, though maybe only your closest friends will notice. The grieving process simply has its own place and time, and there’s not much you can do but sit it out… it will pass.
Despair, powerlessness and total hopelessness often accompany this process. If you look at it from a common sense perspective, this is a natural response since your personality structure, which you have used to survive and make your way in the world, is dissolving before your eyes. These emotions are best experienced but not taken too seriously, since they will pass, and are not to be confused with reality. It is only your ego that has anything to despair about, since it is on the way out, in the form that you know it… You will be fine. If you are experiencing terror during the day or night, please read the article in the blog on fear for a detailed discussion and practical tips.
Clients often come complaining that they can’t handle it, that they want it to be over, that they have to get through it, that they need to find their real purpose now. This is often the ego wanting things to be different, wanting to stay in control and wanting things its way. Despite complaining, often these people also have a deep underlying sense of peace and the rightness of what is happening at the same time. When people eventually surrender and let go, it can seem as if life begins to live through them, and an ease, logic and lightness informs their experience. And often in the middle of this process a strong and spontaneous sense of clarity of direciton arises which gives the person a focus to help move through the emotions. This doesn’t however come through the will, but from surrender to a higher intelligence which is beyond the grasp of the thinking, wanting mind.
It is a very intense and bewildering process because it involves going totally into the unkonwn, and just experiencing the emotions and changing perspectives of reality without any guarantee of success or safety. There is no guarantee, and the beginning of this realization can be very upsetting. Effectively when this happens you are breaking into the childhood emotions that you were not able to feel at the time. Things can be pretty disorienting because feelings come up that you can’t place or recognise. Often it takes time to find the corresponding inner images and link them with the feelings. However this is an important part of the integration process.
People sometimes talk of it as having fallen into a black hole, and experiencing intense loneliness, isolation and sadness. The natural instinct is to want these feelings to go away. However they can’t be kept away forever, since they are present in the unconscious, and are arising to be integrated. The most helpful stance to take is one of acceptance and embracing the experience. It makes sense to accept it, because it’s happening anyway. If you don’t fight it mentally, its less painful, and you can adapt your practical life to make allownce for it better.
It’s hard when I have to tell people that on the whole it tends to take 6 months to a year before they have moved through this experience. Especially when they are expressing that they don’t think they can stand even one more day in their current state. This is understandable given the extreme emotions, sense of lostness and depression that can be present. But from another perspective this is one of the most profound experiences you can have as a human. And not one that everyone has the opportunity to live through…
Trusting the process
Sometimes it can be helpful to know that things tend to work out for the best, and afterwards when you come out at the other end, life is in fact much easier than before. The thought that “everything that happens in life is for me” can be a helpful mantra. You may still be doing the same occupation, or indeed something totally different, but there will be much less stress and difficulty surrounding the everyday basics, making money, relationships etc. Knowing this makes it a lot easier to surrender to the process, which is happening whether you like it or not, via the age old forces of evolution. It also helps you develop a sense of trust and flow, and its wonderful to experience the helping hands and experiences that come towards you on the way, especially when you feel that you don’t know how you will or can make it through…
Physical symptoms
Ego death is an extended process with different sysmptoms at different stages. Dizziness and nausea are very common as core energy starts to expand, and unusual sensations are experienced in the body. Often it’s a major challenge for people to learn to feel sensation, and experience the life force or sexual energy that is beginning to expand through their bodies, rather than to disconnect or dissociate. Exhaustion is common. The body and mind go through huge internal changes – doing inner emotional work uses energy, just as does running a marathon. It helps to slacken off the pace of life and extra commitments, and on the whole its probably not advisable to start new ventures till you are nearly through, since you may not be able to work consistently.
Many people experience a pulling through the ears that seems to connect into the chest. This can be extremely uncomfortable and disorienting, and accompanied by rage, frustration or general dis-ease. Although it may persist for months, it is nothing to worry about, and does not require medical attention. It is just energy that has been held in the core of the body, deep inside the central structures and membranes of the brain, that eventually finds a way to release bit by bit. Similarly, people complain of a pulling sensation or a pain in the eyes. Often this is associated with early childhood or preverbal neglect, and can be bewildering. Craniosacral therapy can be a gentle way to help you access and integrate these emotions, since they are often held deep within the body memmory. Behind the sadness that people experience in this area, there is normally rage or power, waiting to be felt and integrated. If you want to read more about experiencing and integrating anger, please see the article in the blog on anger.
Since so much is changing and releasing from deep within the psyche and body tissues, it can be helpful to be aware of removing toxins from the body during this expereince. Adding vegetable juices into the diet, as well as doing enemas several times a week, and can all contribute to helping your liver to eliminate the toxins coming out. If you want to know exactly what’s going on you can have your blood monitored with live blood analysis by a practitioner who can also prescribe appropriate actions to take, depending on the state of your blood. This can be very reassuring when you can hardly get out of bed due to fatigue, and find out that your blood is completely full with toxic waste. Then you can do something about it, rather than beat yourself up for being lazy…
Lack of boundaries is also an issue during this experience. Once your old ego or defence structure crumbles, and you start experiencing the pain underneath, you often find yourself in a very needy and vulnerable state. Not all people have the morals and awareness to deal with you kindly without taking advantage, so its good to be extra careful who you associate with. You may find it helpful to spend a fair amount of time alone. Certainly it helps to avoid loud, aggressive and negative people, as you won’t be likely to have much energy or resources to waste on such situations. In the long run this is a very constructive habit to train yourself in anyway, and will help your life run more smoothly and joyfully…
How can craniosacral support this process?
Craniosacral therapy is especially useful for calming the nervous system and helping individuals digest the considerable amount of emotional energy that can be stirred up. Having a weekly session can help keep things level and balanced, which can be very helpful in keep up your morale. Craniosacral therapy can also be helpful in working with persistent problems in particular body areas, such as lower back, and in helping your body build up the necessary energetic resources to move through certain patterns and trauma. In terms of handling mood swings and lack unusual emotional states it can be very helpful to see a practitioner regularely who can help you verbalise what is going on, and re-orient you to a grounded reality if you get a bit disoriented. The reason it works particularly well as a supporting therapy is the gentleness and subtlty of the method that allows unconscious energies to come into conscious awareness and be integrated, like drops of water returning to the pool. It can be extremely reassuring to have the experience of feeling relatively normal again after a session, when you are experiencing so much internal change.
