Introduction

What is non-judgement?

This is what happens through pure observation, or being-with. Its only possible to be with someone else’s experience if you put aside all concepts, labels and thought. For labels and judgements actually define reality. They put a structure to things which may or may not be there, and then people, especially children, tend to behave according to them because they feel these invisible ideas and respond unconsciously. It has been proven at the level of particle physics that what happens to a particle on one side of the planet can affect a particle on the other side. The same principle applies in human relationships. The quality of the observation affects the observed. Seer and seen are one. Literally.

As soon as we label a person with an illness, or a child with a learning disorder, we lock them in a prison cell by giving them an incorrect identity. It is incorrect because it does not encompass all of their being, just part. For a start there may be a range of fluctuating symptoms that arent really the classic illness. And secondly it reinforces the sickness by placing emphasis on the symptoms, rather than focusing on the health. Lastly such labellibg definess and fixes reality, rather than opening the door for a cure, and for other possibilities. That this is the norm in the medical profession is slightly surprising, but less so in the context of marketing pharmaceuticals. The labels create sicknesses which can only be cured by expensive medication, which in some cases have to be taken permanently. So that’s a lot of money. The back up system to make people believe is fear instilled by patient’s own ignorance and lack of trust in themselves, plus a power laden medical system where doctors have the authority. These are not cynical comments, they are meant to highlight the allopathic medical system as just one way of seeing things, and not the truth or ultimate reality. It is not. I have seen quite a number of people heal from medicated diseases in a couple of sessions. But usually it only happens if the patient is able and willing to give up their diagnosis, and just be as they are. The point is that the labelling and judgement within the way of looking at diseases is part of what perpetuates them and prevents a cure.

The power of non-judgement

I’m not sure why i decided to write about non-judgement today. It has always seemed so obvious to me, and yet when i go for a treatment myself i often feel judged, i feel the healer’s expectations and wanting to change me, and i don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t work. In my experience it is the most important and most helpful thing i have discovered. Its not really a thing either, its a nothing. These are often the most powerful. Another word for non-judgement is acceptance, only non-judgement is more neutral and gives space. Without it there is no healing. If we want or intend something from or for another the magic can’t happen. Wants and intentions affect others and are a subtle form of judgement that things should be different. The most powerful space opens in that tiny gap between seeing, being with and not judging. In that space there is presence, and it is infinitely powerful.

Applying non-judgement to ourselves, internally

As a way of looking at life, or seeing things, non-judgement is a perspective that can equally be applied to our internal experience. In fact it is the only way i have found to heal myself… I think many people suffer and experience difficulties in a variety of ways, but don’t realise the power we have inside to heal ourselves by observing and accepting. I have had migraines since i was six, and a variety of other things, a long boring list. Often labelled incurable by medical practitionsers. Doesnt that make you feel just great? However what makes me unhappier than all the stuff i have experienced is resisting it, or wanting to be different from how i am. A radical shift happened for me fifteen years ago when i was so sick i couldnt get out of bed, and realised i had to start listening to what my body was telling me. Rather than living in a world of fear and neurotic dependence on doctors, i figured it out myself. It took a long time. And recently, i realised i could bin the painkillers and just face the migraines head on with full acceptance. I used to feel so bad about myself for being so debilitated so often. Not only did the migraines hurt like hell, but then i hated myself for it. I wished i could be normal. The first migraine i went through without painkillers lasted five days. I kept vomiting and had diarrhea, thought i would die, but kept telling myself just to observe the sensations and breathe. In the end it went away, and i emerged feeble but extremely empowered. Over five years they got less and less, until now when i just get extreme contractions inside my skull and am not be able to eat, but no migraine headache. I still catch myself getting annoyed when the symptoms come on, and that’s they key to the whole thing. Take out the judgement. I have learnt to relax back and say its ok to feel rough, just observe and keep going. There is no guarantee that these things ever change totally. However when i accepted that i might always be highly sensitive and not the invincible tough woman i would like to be, the mental pain went away. I stopped comparing myself and started living the way i need to so i feel ok. And anyway, who is to say what is right or normal? We are all different. I am able to let my experience come and go without judgement, and everything has started to flow more, and to expand in general.

The role of non-judgement in healing

Other people can’t really heal us. They can only look at us and be with us without judgement, and so show us where we are still judging ourselves. Their acceptance highlights our own judgements. Holding ourselves to ransom for some ideal of perfection that doesn’t include all the behaviours and emotions is normal unconscious human behaviour. But accepting ourselves fully feels much better. It feels transparent and alive and spacious, and all the tensions smooth away. It’s totally normal to have a full range of emotions, aches and pains. We can’t make them go away, because we are human with physical bodies. But we can realise that there is more to life than trying to fix these things, just let them be there, and get on with living…

I personally prefer the state of ease and physical welleness i sometimes experience, just as most parents prefer when their children behave and do what they are told. However when the migraine or tantrum kicks in, the trick is not to shift into resistance or judgement, but to stay open and non- judgemental. This is the key in absolutely every situation in life, not to let the emotions run out of control and all sorts of reactions kick in. If we observe the minds thoughts and catch them – in my case, for exmple, you don’t desrve this much happiness in your life let’s have a migraine right now and stop all the good things – then you may also be able to dismiss them or let them go. Even destructive thoughts that create physical symptoms are not to be judged, because they would not arise if they didn’t fulfill some useful function in the past. However its also possible to tell them yourself that they’re not needed anymore, thank you, and you can leave now. And refocus on the present moment. If we can observe everything we experience without judgement then we don’t build walls and fixed positions, and our power to dissolve problems and find solutions grows exponentially. It’s a little known secret and an extremely powerful one, that presence has far more clout than human will. Preference is ok, but if you can’t let it go, you will find yourself having one painful strop after another. Life is just living itself, doensn’t care much about whether we agree or not, and to stop judging it as wrong or undesirable is a profoundly basic and also highly intelligent foundation for ease and happiness. So try not to judge, even your own judgement if you catch yourself at it. Just relax back and accept. Laugh. Wriggle about and move on… let it all be there. Inclusion brings freedom.

Craniosacral and the role of non-judgement

I often work with children and extremely sensitive, frightened people. Anyone who has been seriously ill or fragile knows that you don’t have the energy to defend yourself against judgements, and being judged or sensing that someone wants you to change when you feel really rough is must unbearable. All you want is acceptance. I speak to parents who took their child for bodywork and noticed that the practitioner made the child uncomfortable, or that it was too much, or the child seemed to shut down. Even if a well meaning practitioner can see what the issue is, their desire to fix it will sabotage the whole process if they are not able to be with the child as s/he is right now. And that includes their resistance fear, hesitance and whatever else. Working with kids and frightened or frail people is an art because it requires the practitioner to sense all the resistances one by one and accept them, let them be there, not push through them. In craniosacral work, the force that starts the clients core energy expanding is the unconditional, non-judgemental awareness of the practitioner. If this is not available, the session won’t happen. As with the children described above. A body-mind system subjected to expectation or judgement, even intention, will recoil and withdraw to safety. It is an automatic self-defense that prevents the practitioner’s ideas being imposed onthe person’s own natural bodily intelligence. Unless the practitioner listens to what is actually there, and is willing to be with it, healing cannot occur.

Resolving issues by being with them, loving them fully

Contrary to common beliefs that we need to change things in order to solve our problems, try just being with them, without resistance or judgement. To love your problem fully may be counter intuitive, but it works. Sometimes it is the only thing that works. Not for, not against, just be there. Observing. If you have children or a difficult partner you could try this too. Its like the story of the wind huffing and puffing with all its might to get the boy to take his coat off. And then when it was the sun’s turn he gently smiled on the land and all the flowers opened their petals to the warmth and the child took his jacket off effortlessly. You will find that non-judgement or being with is actually all that most issues require to dissolve. If further action is required it will become apparent in your peaceful accepting state. Healers are just people who have practised this extensively on themselves, and so are able to be with a wide range of situations and emotions in other people without wanting to change them. It’s something anyone can do because this quality of non-judgement is also our essential nature, as i described in last month’s article. If you have kids or any difficult situation at home you can practise being with it, and you will see how people and circumstances melt in front of your eyes. The trust between you and your children will grow as they experience your acceptance. It only takes one person in a home to practise in this way and everything shifts.

Unfortunately being with is not a skill that is taught explicitely on most craniosacral or alternative healing courses. And yet it is so powerful and so fundamental. All the basics are in this article. If you would like to know more, i will be teaching a course on craniosacral for mums later this month. The aim is to give mums the tools firstly to centre themselves and be present with their kids, and secondly to work with their children’s nervous systems to calm them down and restore balance. The essence of the course is being-with, in all its practical applications. Whether you choose to do bodywork with your kids or just to use the awareness gained to improve the quality of your home life, it will radically shift your perspective and your personal power in your family. Please enquire for details.

If you enjoyed this article, i have a new daily blog starting later this week on www.nofixedagenda.com where i will be sharing moment to moment information and inspiration for the year…

All rights reserved. Mia Watson, February 4th 2013

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